How do you know when its time to cut someone out of your life? I don't really want to go into specifics too much, but I had a best friend, we'd been friends for about 10 years, and we had sort of a falling out/argument almost a year ago. It was so very depressing; it was almost like a serious break up, you know? And in my opinion, it was blown way out of proportion, but I don't feel like I was wrong to bring up the way I felt; I just felt like it got too defensive on the other side, instead of trying to figure out why I might feel the way I did, it was a complete defense team going on. So, we pretty much don't speak at all, most of the conversations we've had were to return stuff to the original owner; I've tried making contact about a few different things; going to the movies, etc, trying to bring the relationship back to life, but I've not gotten any feedback. So, I feel like its pretty much dead in the water, and it feels like there is less coming from that side than is going out on this side. So what, then? All of a sudden, we're just not friends anymore? Just like that? What kind of person do you have to be to be able to walk away from something like that without a backwards glance?

So, I'm just wondering, should I cut it out completely? There's still MySpace. I still see bulletins, and blogs, and pictures, and announcements, and all that jazz. I'm not invited to any of it anymore, but its there for me to see. Should I just go ahead and completely severe all ties, since its obvious the want for a resurrection is one-sided?

Sometimes, it makes me question the person I am. Of course, this isn't the only thing that makes me question me. There have been plenty of things going on in my life that make me question me. And you know what they say; when so many different people have a problem with one person, its usually the ONE person, not the so many different people. So if I have a hard time getting close to people, and I have a hard time making new friendships, at least, meaningful ones to me; then what does it mean that the few meaningful ones I have pretty much bail on me?

I don't have anyone. I have my husband, my kids, and my dad. I can't really talk to my dad anymore; mostly because his hearing is so bad, he doesn't hear anything I say, and he rarely asks me to repeat myself. So, its like talking to a brick wall most of the time. Which, its not his fault; he's ok in person. Its mostly over the phone. So, I can't call him anymore. I call my sister sometimes, but we're not really close. We talk, and sometimes we blow off steam, but I don't really know what goes on in her life, and we could probably go a month without seeing each other. We talk because we share a dad, and a brother, and, I dunno....I'd like to say we talk because we're family, but that's not it. I don't talk to any of my other family. I didn't speak to my mom for 10 years after I graduated high school; she never saw my kids, and then she died. Because of the rift between my mom and I, the rest of the family treated me like I was the plague. After she died, of course, she was the saint and I was the sinner, cause who speaks ill of the dead? Apparently I do. But, I don't regret that relationship with my mom; that was chosen, by me, due to the circumstances. Yeah, I wish I had a mom I could talk to, and a mom I could have trusted to stay with my kids and not die of a drug overdose, but it didn't happen, so guess what? I dealt with it the best I could.

I'm not sure how people see me; I realize that yes, I can be pretty much a cold-hearted bitch. I will admit to that. I do have feelings, but they've been hurt so many times, I'm certainly not going to wear them on my sleeve anymore, so to speak. I've had to deal with a lot of rejection, and so mostly because of that, I guess I'm a hard person to get close to. I think its because I don't know how, and people don't bother to try. So that makes me wonder if I'm doomed to be lonely forever; because I stood up for what I believed in, and I protected my kids as only a good mother would, and was looked down on because of it; not that I was protecting my kids, but that I had severed my ties with my mother. But at the same time, its not like she tried to ever call or come over, anyway. So its not like I had to work very hard at avoiding her.

At the same time, I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend myself because of this. My dad told me, when she died, "Don't ever feel bad or guilty or regret what happened in the past, and don't ever let anyone make you feel that way." Trust me, I don't. But sometimes, I still doubt myself, and wonder if my choices are wrong anyway.