Getting closer

Can you believe it? I feel like its going to be any minute now, but at the same time, I don't want her to come before Christmas; its still too early.

Thanksgiving was an adventure; I've been having a hard time getting around; she dropped a few weeks ago, and she is firmly lodged in my pelvic bone; everything there, blood vessels, nerves, tendons, all that is what is supporting her. And it hurts. I can't hardly walk; my pelvic bone feels like they are being ripped apart. I can't lift up my legs very far; putting on pants is a chore, and its hard to get up into bed, because it hurts to lift up my legs. Jon usually has to come pull me up out of bed to get up, and the first few steps of walking are hard, my spine doesn't want to straighten, and I'm afraid my back is going to give out.

So, with all this going on, I had to cook Thanksgiving dinner. I tried to manipulate it so I was doing all my prep work sitting at the table, did the majority of it the day before, and assigned jobs to my dad and Jon, but I was still hurting with all the standing around and cooking. Christmas should be even more fun.

I'm right about the 20-lb mark for weight gain, which I guess is ok, considering I didn't vomit with this one in the beginning, and I gained 10 pounds the first 3 months. Food has no interest for me. Its hard to make dinner/eat something when your just not interested. I can tell I'm hungry, and I need to eat, but I just don't want anything.

I'm having my baby shower this weekend. I almost didn't want to do it; I should have done it sooner, but I had my mind set on the beginning of December, and me and my sister were going to do it, and then some people from church said, "Oh, we can throw you a baby shower!" so I postponed the plans for mine, thinking they were going to throw one together. Well, it hadn't happened, so my Dec 6 baby shower turned into Dec 13 baby shower. I feel its too close to Christmas, but what can you do? I don't want an "after" baby shower.

I have a lady making me a cake; its going to be so cute! Can't wait to see it. As far as everything else goes, decorations and games and what not, I hope my sister has that worked out, cause I can't be the hostess to my own shower ;)

I have a pool worked up, if anyone wants to make guesses for my baby's due date ;)

Had my 3D sono today

Little snot. She kept her face covered nearly the entire time; either with her hand or pressed backwards into my uterus. We poked and prodded at her for nearly an hour, lol. We got a couple of good shots; then, at the very end, we caught a smile! It was so cute, I'll post the video link so you can see.

Here are a couple of pics for her; I kinda think she's going to look a lot like Kathryn (Kathryn and Jonathan have different colorings, and they have different noses and different shaped heads, even though they both look like daddy)

I realize I've been MIA...

Sorry about that. I don't suppose there are too many people who check up on me, but I hate to feel like I've deserted any of my friends ;). Sometimes, when I get down, and things are rough for me, I don't want to talk to anybody, "myself" included. I just would rather be a hermit, bundle up in my house, and not go anywhere or do anything. I've pretty much been doing that the last month or so.

Still feeling really good with the pregnancy; I'm starting to hurt in the pelvic area, I'm guessing this is my ligaments stretching. I need to do more exercise, but I get so down, I don't do anything. We are still having some troubles around the house, financially, still trying to work all that out.

I've got a couple of projects going on right now; hoping to post pics soon. On one of the cloth diapering forums I'm on, I've signed up for several "swaps" where I swap an item for an item. Well, in my case, I don't really have anything to swap, except my knitting talent. So, mama's send me their yarn, I knit it up into the pants for them, and send it back. In payment of this service, I've gotten several diapers, several wipes, a couple of shirts, some environmentally safe laundry detergent, and some other stuff. Its pretty cool, actually ;)

As part of this forum, and others, I've been made aware of things that I hadn't really been exposed to previously; like the no-vaxing issue. I'm seriously considering not vaxing my child; at first, I wanted to be selective/delayed, since there are so many more vaccines now than there were when we were kids; and I can tell you right now, I had already made the decision prior to this that my daughter was NOT getting the Gardasil, we do NOT do the Flu vax here, and I kick myself on a daily basis for allowing my children to be given the chicken pox vax. For these reasons, and several others, I'm thinking we're going the no-vax route. I have plenty of time to make my decision, since I already know I'm not doing it for the first year anyway, and I can gather more evidence to support my decision.

We may have found a church. We have never been "church going people" but we have always looked for that sort of fellowship or whatever you want to call it that you get from going. Well, the kids have played soccer with this church for 3 years; we've gone to their fall festival for that, if not more than that, and they did basketball last year, and will do it again this year. We know so many people there already, and it seemed like it was just time to try it out. This weekend will only be our third time going, but so far, I think we are all enjoying it. Kathryn and Jon most especially, it seems.

I'm ready for the GD election to be OVER! I know who I'm voting for, I'm sure you know who your voting for; my life experience has taught me it does no good to argue with someone who has their mind made up already, so what's the point? It just gets nastier and nastier, and if I think about it long enough, I stress out over certain aspects of a certain candidate who keeps getting compared to a certain beloved president who didn't last very long. So, 1 more week. And, ironically enough, our voting station appears to be "our" church, lol.

Finished a project

I am on several forums right now for cloth diapering mamas; on one, we have a "swap" set up where we make some diapes for our partner, and then swap out. Since I hadn't actually made a diaper yet, I put down that I could crochet and knit. My partner wanted a pair of "longies" which are wool pants. The wool is an excellent waterproof barrier between the cloth diaper and the rest of the world, while at the same times it natural and its breathable. They make "soakers", little shorties or diaper covers, but since winter is about here, she wanted longies. So here's what I made.

Still working out the bugs

I'm still working out all my little details for the cloth diapering; I guess it would just be easier if I bought a whole bunch of different brands, and then tried them out, knowing what I like. But that's not what I'm going to do; I'm going to MAKE mine, and I don't know what pattern to use!! There are literally a TON of patterns to use, and what if I make my entire stash out of one pattern, only to find out it doesn't work? and I don't want to make all different patterns, cause then what if I find one that does work, and the rest don't; then I'm just as equally out of all that fabric. GRRR I'm so frustrated with all of this; you would think a diaper is a diaper is a diaper, but they all have different rises, and waists, and snap placement, and crotch width, and estimated weight zones, etc. I could just cry.

So, I've been trying not to buy anything, since I want to make it, but I have made a few purchases. I bought 1 that was half price, because it was "the older pattern style". Apparently, the updated their pattern, so they were getting rid of the older pattern style. I also won one, off a free for shipping lottery on the hyena cart; and I've entered as many of these as I can find. Here is one

http://soapaholicsanonymous.blogspot.com/2008/09/green-giveaway.html

She's giving away a CD to someone who posts a comment on her blog about their favorite way to reduce, reuse, and recycle. She even has the etsy cart up for the lady who makes the diapers that she is giving away, which, by the way, are totally yummy and squishy ;)

I'm on several cloth diapering forums, as well; on one forum, I've joined a diaper swap, where in, I make a diaper and send it in, and she makes a diaper and sends it in. Well, I haven't actually made a diaper yet, ;), but she wants a pair of "longies" which are wool pants. I offered to make some out of a recycled sweater, since wool fabric is about $25/yd, or knit some, and she chose to have the knitted ones. I'm afraid I've bitten off more than I can chew, but hopefully I will get it done in the next week and a half ;) They are cute, so far, I just keep having to frog my work since I want them to be as perfect as possible for me ;) But, in exchange, I will be getting, I think she's sending me 3 diapers, for the 1 pair of longies, so not bad ;)

Still here ;)

Hi ya, thanks for checking up on me, Cyni. Things were looking pretty scary at first, but then, a weather-miracle happened. They say a dry front swept in from the side, collided with Ike, and pretty much took all the gust out of his sails before he even reached us. We did have high winds and little bit of rain; but we didn't have the flooding like we did about a month ago with another hurricane. There were a few knocked down limbs, a few uprooted trees, but all in all, we were unscathed. The worst damage here at our house was the privacy fence between us and the neighbors was knocked down; its their fence, though, so they are fixing it ;)

We were without electricity or internet for about 2 days, but that is all resolved now.

I'm still working on all my many projects, trying not to blow off my head with all the information I'm trying to process with my CDing, and I'm trying to work as much as I can, mostly because I've been out of work, and I'm looking to supplement, Jon is supposed to have "time out of the schedule" next week, so that's going to hurt us more, and we desperately need to get caught up.

Hope all is well with everyone else ;)

Drawing for free baby carrier

I've entered a drawing for a free baby carrier; the more places I post the link, the more chance I get to enter ;)

www.ecobabycanada.com

Isn't it amazing how you can post the same post/blog in different places, and almost know what response to expect? I pretty much expected the love and support from you guys, as always ;), with my cloth diapering decision; when I posted that same blog on MySpace, I titled it "no criticism, please" because I didn't want to hear anyone's negative comments about my decision. And in fact, I did get a lot of remarks along the lines of, "well, since you said no criticism, I guess I have nothing to say..." Very sad. I love you guys.

Ok, since you all asked sooo nicely, ;), baby Solorza's name will Lauryn Isabella.

Thanks for all the well wishes, guys, you all mean so much to me!

So, I will admit to having a bit of obsessiveness to my personality. I will decide on a topic, subject, project, craft, whatever you want to put in this box, if I decide I want to do it, learn it, learn about it, etc; I will obsess until I know just about everything there is to know about it. I can pretty much tell you anything you would want to know about weight loss, diet, nutrition, exercise, etc. Not that I was able to actually put it to good use ;)

So, my newest interest, shall we say, is cloth diapering (CDing). I have decided that we are going to cloth diaper this baby. There are several reasons why we came to this decision; cost being the main one; second one being that it takes well over 150 years for 1 disposable diaper to decompose, and it is estimated a baby will have used 1000 in a year, and they are expected to be in diapers the first 2.5-3.5 years of their lives.

No, I didn't cloth diaper my other 2; probably because it wasn't ever presented as an option. In fact, if it weren't for the internet today, I probably wouldn't attempt to do this one this way; I didn't even OWN a computer, much less get on the internet, until Kathryn was about 6 months old. Anyway, you have a baby; you buy your diapers at the store. That's it, that's all. You don't see cloth diapers in the stores now. They do sell the prefolds and the flat cloth, which I bought, but used as burp rags. They don't, however, sell the plastic pants for the babies anymore; the only size I see now are for toddlers, for potty training. Therefore, with Kathryn, and with Jonathan, I wouldn't have known about CDing unless someone aproached me, suggested it, and showed me my options. And let me tell you, you would be amazed at the options there are available today. They have come a long way from the flat and prefolds and plastic pants of our mothers and grandmothers. They have so many different diapers out there, and there are several websites out there dedicated simply for the terminology used in the CDing world. I could bore you with the details, but I suppose I wont, unless you ask nicely ;). Basically, there are tons of companies out there making the diapers, which all have different options as to convenience, fabric choice, etc. And, on top of these companies, the cloth diapering world is apparently the newest WAHM/SAHM (work/stay at home mom) craze. Therefore, there are TONS of "homemade" companies making these and selling these, as well.

So, anyway, I'm stressing out because of all these different options. Obviously, I want to be prepared for the baby when it comes. But I don't know what to get, what to use, what to do. What works for one, or so many, so well, may not work for others as well. Some people SWEAR by a certain method, while others complete trash it. Therefore, it is considered a "trial and error process". It is suggested to buy several different brands/styles, try them all out, and then decide which way is better for you before you make your big investment. The problem is, it is, to me, quite a chunk of change to just buy a "sampler". So, therein lies my dilema.

Anyway, that's my current "obsession", in case anyone was wondering what was going on in the world of Amanda ;)

yes, I have a baby name picked out. Yes, I will tell you, if you ask nicely ;)

I FINALLY know what it is!!

Its a girl!! here are some sono pics.

So, I went to the doctor on Friday. I brought Kathryn with me; this was the visit she was going to listen to the heartbeat, and guess what she thought it was. I'm still torn as to what I think; I don't want to get my hopes up one way or the other; I kinda want a little girl, but I wouldn't be disappointed to have a boy. My sister just had a girl, so I can get my girl fix in ;). Anyway, before I went in, I was looking at my tracker; it says that I am 18 weeks (as of Thursday), so I was confused as to why my "19 week sonogram" was scheduled for another 3 weeks away. I had planned on asking them about that when I went into the office; the nurse caught it first, though, and changed it, so I go in on Tuesday for the sonogram!! Only 2 more days and I'll know what this little bit is!!

Anyway, back at the office, with the doctor; first of all, she couldn't get a read on the heartbeat, cause the baby wouldn't be still long enough; it kept moving. She finally got the monitor to read a heartbeat; 150. She said she wouldn't guess, lol. She says "140s, its a boy, 160s, its a girl; 150s, I don't guess". So, I don't have a clue yet, but I will know in TWO DAYS!!!

So, I finally did my yoga workout today.I don't know if its because I didn't have to work today, or because Jon wasn't home (he's working late), but I managed to squeeze it in. How. Very. Disappointing.

Ok, yes, I understand. I'm pregnant. I have to be careful. I will soon be overwhelmed with gravity, and actually not have full function or control of my body. Not to mention, somewhere during these 9 months, my body turns to fragile china, and I have to be oh so very careful with the way I carry, position and move my body from pose to pose. Also, I've probably never exercised a day in my life, so I need very detailed and explicit instructions for about 30 seconds before each pose is performed, oh so achingly slowly. Not to mention, we don't want to push ourselves too far during pregnancy, because pregnancy is a static time for our bodies, and we don't want to make any advancing movements.

What a crock of shit.

Ok, I get it. I probably got a bad DVD, right? I just need to keep on looking try again, etc etc. The thing is, I was very careful about the one I picked out; it had the best reviews, a lot of women raved about it, said they had done yoga before and this really gave them a workout, blah blah blah blah blah.

I've done yoga before. Its been about 6 months, but I've done yoga before. Therefore, I felt that this DVD was going to be the best one for me to get, since I can't really consider myself at an intermediate level, right? Guess not.

So, I'm not bragging or anything, but I'm really flexible. Like, really flexible. Like, right now, having not done anything in quite a while, I'm more flexible than some of the women doing yoga who have done it for a while. Which, actually, is a bad thing, in this case. It means that I have to really keep up with my stretching and flexibility, because if I don't, it causes all kinds of problems with pains in my hips and back. Another problem with this is, even though I'm technically a beginner at most of this yoga stuff, I am doing intermediate/advanced poses, simply because that is how flexible I am, and I have to do it that far/deep to get any sort of stretch.

There was another DVD that I was eyeballing, but I shied away from it; the reviews were from, for lack of a better term, hardcore yogis. I'm talking, women who TEACH yoga, talking about this is an awesome DVD, it really gave them a stretch, blah blah. Well, apparently, I'm going to have to go hardcore yoga, because Yoga Momma didn't cut it.

I hate clothes shopping. Well, for me, specifically. I could 'browse' and help someone else all day. But for me, its a different story. I can never find *EXACTLY* what I'm looking for; apparently, I just made it up. I guess I need to find a seamstress (or learn myself) and have all my clothes made for me.

Apparently, I am the tallest woman EVER to be pregnant. Ever. First of all, when I buy pants, regardless of if I'm pregnant or not, I'm either buying men's, so I can get the 34" inseam, or I am buying the "tall" size at the New York store. So, now that I'm pregnant, and getting bigger, and outgrowing all of my clothes, I obviously cannot wear them anymore. So, I'm looking for new clothes. I have one pair of jeans, my "fat" jeans, that I am still able to wear, if I pull the waistband below my belly paunch. But, they have giant holes in the inner thighs, so they aren't necessarily appropriate for public wear.

So, my sister just had her baby, and she tried to give me her maternity clothes. First of all, let me just start by saying, my sister is about a foot shorter than me, ok? But, when it comes to SIZE, we are about the same. She has all the same SIZE pants from the maternity store that I would buy. And the pants are capris on me.

So, I go and look it up online; the longest inseam I can find is 31.5 inches. Well, if I was really short, I could get the special short pants with a 29 inch inseam. WTF?? Like I said, I'm the tallest woman EVER to be pregnant. Oh, and on a budget, musn't forget that I absolutely refuse to pay $100 for a pair of pants that will last me 6 months, and I will NEVER wear again.

So, here are my options, apparently, since I can't buy "maternity" pants. 1) buy more 'fat' jeans (men's jeans with a higher number in the waist, like a 36, and still have the inseam appropriate for me), 2) wear sweats/yoga pants for the rest of my pregnancy. So tempting, I just can't decide.

UGGGH!!

Baby Blues

Ha ha. Not really. I do love that comic strip, though.

Seriously, this has been the easiest pregnancy I've ever had, and I can't even begin to explain the difference. People keep asking me what I think I'm having; you know, mother's instinct and all that. Well, considering I've already had a girl and a boy, and basing this pregnancy on those, I believe I'm having an alien. Or something to that effect. LOL. Pregnancy with Jonathan was hard; pregnancy with Kathryn was harder. Yeah, I'm tired a lot, and I have my days where I just don't feel like doing anything; but I didn't have any of the morning sickness. Yeah, I was nauseated, but I never once threw up; which, considering I LOST weight with my other 2, is a freaking miracle. I actually feel like doing stuff, too. Not much, but a little bit. I'm still working, which is more than I can say for the other 2. I'm actually going to start back up with my yoga this week; I have a yoga dvd and a pilates dvd that were geared especially for pregnant women.

As far as cravings go, so far its been very similar to Kathryn, in that I crave lots of fruit. For the most part, food doesn't appeal to me. I do believe this child wants me to be a vegetarian. What the hell do you eat, as a vegetarian, besides salad and fruit? I can feel it move now; its very active.

This pregnancy is going by so SLOW!! I wanted to know what it was the minute I found out I was pregnant. I feel like I can't do ANYTHING to prepare for this until I KNOW what it is!! And I'm not making guesses, so don't ask. I will not allow myself to hope, wish, or think it is one, just to be disappointed. That's ridiculous; you should not be disappointed.

I have a doc's appointment scheduled for next Friday, just a checkup, and she will listen to the heartbeat and guess what she thinks it is. I'm taking Kathryn with me; she's probably more excited about this baby than I am. All she wants to do is hold my sister's baby all the time; which, BTW, is the tiniest thing on the face of the planet you are allowed to go home from the hospital with. What cracks me up the most are the big, tough, strong men scared to hold the baby!! HA HA

So, Sept 11 is my sonogram to find out what I'm having. Of course, I will post updates then ;)

My new Neice

Here she is, in all her 6-lb, 8-oz, 18-in glory; Natalie Joan.







And of course, that's my girl Kathryn holding her. I don't know who was more anxious for that baby; me or her ;)

Finished the blanket

I finished the blanket for Sara's baby; I finished it a while ago, I just forgot to take a picture of it before I gave it to her. Here it is...



Here is my newest project (Well, I have several ongoing currently, but) I plan to have this one finished before baby Natalie makes it home from the hospital so she can wear them home...



BABY CROCS!! How cute are these? I can't wait; they should whip up super fast. As soon as I know what I'm having, you KNOW I'm making like 10 pair ;)

I'm ready for summer to be over, and school to start. Mostly because my air conditioner is out. We're having a hard time around here, and things are only just now looking up. (Ha ha, I just realized what I do. You see this? I don't post when things are bad, I post when things get better; but in doing so, I'm still posting about the bad, lol). Anyway, I finally got a job that actually has work for me, so that means after 3 months with no pay I'm finally bringing in a paycheck. Which is right about when we need it, since we're behind on the mortgage. And, like I said, our AC went out. There's no way we can replace that by the end of the season, though. Absolutely ridiculous. Ok, my husband builds AC units for a living, right? He knows what's what, and where it goes, and all that. So this thing has been trying to go out for about a month; every week, he'd spend 200 on something, and get it fixed. Well, Saturday morning, we woke up to a melted compressor. That's right, melted; and he can't fix that on his own; he can't change it out, because of the freon and oil inside, and then when it gets changed out, it needs to be charged and all that. So, we had to wait until Monday to call around and get prices; get this. We could only get 1 company to actually give us a price over the phone; the rest were all, "It will be 150 service charge to come out and look at the unit and diagnose the problem". I'm sorry, didn't you hear me? I'm telling you the problem, I don't need it diagnosed.

Anyway, the 1 company that would give us a price, well their computers were down on Monday, so they called us back on Tuesday. Are you ready for this? $2000 to replace the compressor. Wanna know how much for a brand new unit? $2500. That's right, folks, for only $500 more you get a brand new unit, with a new warranty, etc etc! Needless to say, I'll be without AC for the rest of the year.

I'm in such a mood lately. I swear if I had a decent idea, I could write a novel. Or at least a synopsis ;). I don't know what it is with me; I WANT to be creative; the fact that I'm not is very frustrating to me right now, lol. I want to write something!! So far I've just been doodling in my blog, pulling stuff out that is pretty far down, and examining it, and throwing it out for all to see and examine.

My sister is having her baby on Monday. She's having a Cesarean done. I won't be able to be there at the hospital with her, mostly because of my job, and the kids, and the extra kid I watch, and that its Monday, but I will go see her Monday afternoon. I can't WAIT to meet baby Natalie!! I'm hoping she will ignite the baby fever in me, get me more excited about my own ;). I will have a baby to play with for 5 months before mine gets here; I only hope I don't get "over" it ;)

I feel like I'm...lazy, or unmotivated sometimes. I really need to get my butt up and start doing something, especially now, before I get too far advanced in this pregnancy, and its too late. I started walking last week, but only waled for 2 days, skipped the weekend, and then didn't do anything all week this week. I want to get started back in yoga; remember when I signed up for the Gym in May, hoping to get back into it? Still haven't done it. Something always seems to happen, and I hate saying that and using it as an excuse, but it always seems like Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days I have to watch the extra kid longer than normal, so it goes over into my yoga class time; this week, Jon worked late at work, and I didn't want to go by myself. Guess what? He's most likely working late again today, and I have to bring him dinner about the time the class is. So, it doesn't look like its going to happen again. I don't know why I can't do stuff by myself; I spend most of my time trying to convince Jon to do something with me, and then he finally gives in or it works out, and half the time I wished I had just done it on my own ;).

I'm still really anxious to find out what the baby is. I want to get prepared; not that it matters, I don't have any money to go buy anything, and I really need to get my house organized before I bring more clutter into it. Right now, everything is a mess; I've had to move my desk into my bedroom, so I can work, cause we have a window unit in here. Its the only cool room in the house; of course, it's freezing me out; I'm wearing socks, sweat pants, and a jacket half the time. Its crazy; the rest of the house is about 85, and I'm freezing my toes off in here, trying to work. At least I'm not roasting, I suppose. So, because the desk is in here right now, we obviously can't get the room ready for the baby. Its too early anyway, I'll admit that, but, I wanna do something!! I need to do something. I have tried to immerse myself in projects to keep me distracted, but its not really working; they aren't fulfilling what it is that I want to do, so I'm still restless. Even now, typing out this blog, I'm restless to do something that I really want to do; the sad thing is, I don't really know what that is ;)

How do you know when its time to cut someone out of your life? I don't really want to go into specifics too much, but I had a best friend, we'd been friends for about 10 years, and we had sort of a falling out/argument almost a year ago. It was so very depressing; it was almost like a serious break up, you know? And in my opinion, it was blown way out of proportion, but I don't feel like I was wrong to bring up the way I felt; I just felt like it got too defensive on the other side, instead of trying to figure out why I might feel the way I did, it was a complete defense team going on. So, we pretty much don't speak at all, most of the conversations we've had were to return stuff to the original owner; I've tried making contact about a few different things; going to the movies, etc, trying to bring the relationship back to life, but I've not gotten any feedback. So, I feel like its pretty much dead in the water, and it feels like there is less coming from that side than is going out on this side. So what, then? All of a sudden, we're just not friends anymore? Just like that? What kind of person do you have to be to be able to walk away from something like that without a backwards glance?

So, I'm just wondering, should I cut it out completely? There's still MySpace. I still see bulletins, and blogs, and pictures, and announcements, and all that jazz. I'm not invited to any of it anymore, but its there for me to see. Should I just go ahead and completely severe all ties, since its obvious the want for a resurrection is one-sided?

Sometimes, it makes me question the person I am. Of course, this isn't the only thing that makes me question me. There have been plenty of things going on in my life that make me question me. And you know what they say; when so many different people have a problem with one person, its usually the ONE person, not the so many different people. So if I have a hard time getting close to people, and I have a hard time making new friendships, at least, meaningful ones to me; then what does it mean that the few meaningful ones I have pretty much bail on me?

I don't have anyone. I have my husband, my kids, and my dad. I can't really talk to my dad anymore; mostly because his hearing is so bad, he doesn't hear anything I say, and he rarely asks me to repeat myself. So, its like talking to a brick wall most of the time. Which, its not his fault; he's ok in person. Its mostly over the phone. So, I can't call him anymore. I call my sister sometimes, but we're not really close. We talk, and sometimes we blow off steam, but I don't really know what goes on in her life, and we could probably go a month without seeing each other. We talk because we share a dad, and a brother, and, I dunno....I'd like to say we talk because we're family, but that's not it. I don't talk to any of my other family. I didn't speak to my mom for 10 years after I graduated high school; she never saw my kids, and then she died. Because of the rift between my mom and I, the rest of the family treated me like I was the plague. After she died, of course, she was the saint and I was the sinner, cause who speaks ill of the dead? Apparently I do. But, I don't regret that relationship with my mom; that was chosen, by me, due to the circumstances. Yeah, I wish I had a mom I could talk to, and a mom I could have trusted to stay with my kids and not die of a drug overdose, but it didn't happen, so guess what? I dealt with it the best I could.

I'm not sure how people see me; I realize that yes, I can be pretty much a cold-hearted bitch. I will admit to that. I do have feelings, but they've been hurt so many times, I'm certainly not going to wear them on my sleeve anymore, so to speak. I've had to deal with a lot of rejection, and so mostly because of that, I guess I'm a hard person to get close to. I think its because I don't know how, and people don't bother to try. So that makes me wonder if I'm doomed to be lonely forever; because I stood up for what I believed in, and I protected my kids as only a good mother would, and was looked down on because of it; not that I was protecting my kids, but that I had severed my ties with my mother. But at the same time, its not like she tried to ever call or come over, anyway. So its not like I had to work very hard at avoiding her.

At the same time, I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend myself because of this. My dad told me, when she died, "Don't ever feel bad or guilty or regret what happened in the past, and don't ever let anyone make you feel that way." Trust me, I don't. But sometimes, I still doubt myself, and wonder if my choices are wrong anyway.

I'm bored. I think I'm lonely. I keep calling my sister; she gets irritated with me when I call too early (her husband works second shift, so they are late sleepers, and night owls), so I've been sending her text messages "call me when you wake up". Not much to talk about, but I still call her ;). Like I said, I think I'm lonely. She's pregnant too; she's about to pop, too. She's due in like 2 weeks. I can not wait to see this baby girl. Its going to get my baby "want" flowing ;). We still haven't completely decided on a girl name yet; I think we are having such a hard time because my girl name was stolen about 6-7 years ago, and I just never came up with another one. We have narrowed it down to a list of about 10 or so, give or take, that we like, and we just have to find the combination that we like ;).

I have started a new hobby; knitting. I am already an avid crocheter, as I have posted my Eeyore blanket on here before, and I have tried the knitting thing before; it just didn't take. Mostly, because I am self taught, and I am not a visual learner, I'm a kinetic learner; so I can't look at the pictures and read the descriptions and figure out if I'm doing it right; also, I'm left handed, so I have to take all the instructions and do them backwards and upside down. I found a pattern, though, of a baby blanket that I REALLY REALLY like; here's a picture of it ...


I know its kind of hard to see, but the white part of the blanket has strategically placed holes to look like butterflies; and the border is a different color with solid butterflies. (I love butterflies, BTW). I loved this pattern, so I bought it, and decided I would try knitting again. Of course, this pattern is an intermediate pattern, and I was having a hard time trying to figure out what exactly all this stuff meant, and of course, turning it around and upside down for my left-handed status ;). Anyway, I have set it aside for more "beginner" patterns to get my skill level up; I still have about 6 months ;)

So, I am a member of a yahoo group for knitters, and as an incentive to myself, I signed up for an exchange, where in you are assigned a partner, and you make that partner something based on a list of their favorite colors, etc; this way, I would be forced to actually make something. Well, of course I got paired up with the most experienced lady on the group, so I am so nervous, lol, but I'm hoping the scarf I'm making her will not be too shabby ;). I'll post a pic of it when I'm done.

Anyway, knitting, to me, is prettier than crochet. There are 2 major stitches in knitting; the knit stitch, which is just the regular stitch, and the purl stitch, which is basically the backwards knit stitch. Then, you take these 2 stitches, and you make all kinds of crazy things with them!! To knit every row is called a garter stitch; to knit one row and purl the next row is called a stockinette stitch; you can knit 1 purl 1 all the way across the row and then repeat the next row for what is called the seed stitch; you can knit 2, purl 2 on one row, then purl 2, knit 2 on the next row to create ribbing; then, you can use another needle to pull some stitches off and skip, and then turn around and do them after doing the next one, and you create cabling. And don't even get me started on making holes, and stitching in the back loop instead of the front ;) Its really amazing the things that were thought up long ago, before television dulled everyone's senses ;)

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just rambling. Like I said, I'm bored. My next doctor's appointment is August 22; she said she would guess what she thinks it is by the heartbeat then. I think both me and my husband think its a girl. Oh, also, I have cervical dysplasia, so I have to go back in on the 27th to do a culposcopy, but they can't do a biopsy, obviously, because I'm pregnant. So how great is that? I might possibly have cancer.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I'm not "upset", per se, that there is only one ;), I guess my biggest deal is I don't know what I want. I don't want 2 girls and 1 boy; I don't want 2 boys and 1 girl; I want it even ;). I know, I'll get over it.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog, mostly because I have always considered myself a writer. I love to read, and I was always coming up with short stories as a kid, and I would love to write a book like the ones that I so love to read. I don't know why I don't do it; I internalize enough to be a writer, I suppose, but then when it comes to actually putting something down; or even, regularly keeping up with something, I can't quite seem to do it, and I dont know why. Its very strange to me...